From the Mommy Files…

Do I have cancer, again? Part 2

Posted on: April 17, 2015

We left and I barely said a word to my friend. We walked to the parking garage, to realize neither of us knew where the car was. We went to 4 different floors, then finally going back up to the 10th floor, site of the original attempt, only to realize it was there, but on the other side. This was pure comedy, certainly funny to anyone who saw us. To us, it was much-needed comic relief, and temporarily lifted the fog. We laughed so hard, I thought I’d bust open my incision. We laughed so much, I wonder if we looked like drunks searching the parking garage for our car? We found it and headed home – in record time. When we arrived at my house, I felt like I couldn’t go home. I felt like I couldn’t face my family. My kids would want to play, talk, and I wasn’t up for it. I wasn’t ready to talk about what just happened to me.

I went inside to find the house empty. Perfect. Once inside, I found roses and a beautiful card from my husband. Sigh. Soon he and the girls arrived. They came barreling inside. “Mommy! Mommy! Are you OK? He told them I went for a test and would likely get a shot. I didn’t want to tell them. I forget they aren’t babies anymore and I have to treat them accordingly. Would knowing some of it be so bad? I told them I was OK, just a little sore. As I rested on the couch, he announced he was taking the girls out so I could have quiet time. I turned on the TV. I was glad to be alone, but hated it at the same time. How did I live alone all those years? The silence was deafening. I watched 4 back-to-back episodes of Seinfeld –something I never do – and stayed on the couch. I didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t check email. I couldn’t communicate with anyone. I didn’t want to voice the fear that I was feeling. I didn’t want to give it life. I felt like if I did, then it would be real. I stayed in this state of other-world-ness for a while.

The next morning, I went about the regular routine, counting the hours until he doctor called. I tried to stay positive. In just a few hours, my fate would be revealed. Stay busy! I couldn’t go to the gym–no strenuous activity or 48 hours. So I just rested on the couch and read a book. After school, I picked up the girls and took them to dance class. It would start at 4, the expected time of the fateful call. I was glad they wouldn’t be with me. I went to the cafeteria to await the call. I read a book. I checked emails. 4:00. 4:05. 4:07. 4:08. 4:10. When was the call going to come? Deep breath. I’m Ok. Everything’s fine. Pray. Pray. Pray. 4:12. 4:15. 4:16. The phone rang.

“Hello Maria. How are you? Any problems? Any pain?” the doctor asked. “No. I’m OK,” I responded. “Good. I’m glad to hear it. So we got your results and reviewed everything. It came back normal. Everything’s fine! No problems in there. There’s no need for further testing. Have another mammogram next spring. Everything looks great. You’re OK! This is great news! Now exhale, and celebrate!”

I could barely find the words. “Oh yes! Thank you so much!” I immediately texted my husband and a few close friends in the know. Thank you God! My prayers were answered! I was elated, on top of the world. I could breathe. I got another chance. I got the kick in the ass, the push I needed to remind me to stop waiting for things to be perfect. To find the beauty within. To decide to be happy. To always live in gratitude. To stop waiting for a sign to move forward on the road to fulfilling my writing dreams. To stop waiting for permission or approval. This was the time. Now is the time. It’s time.sometimes

Has it taken something drastic to give you that push you needed to get started? Have you ever had a scare like this before? Please share in the comments below.

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2 Responses to "Do I have cancer, again? Part 2"

Great way to end this piece! I’m glad you are in good health! I contracted meningitis shortly after birth, which led to hydrocephalus. I spent time in the hospital as a child, and can relate to your fear, and to the extreme joy when things are okay again. Να ειστε παντα καλα!

Thanks for stopping by. Glad to hear you’re well too!

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