From the Mommy Files…

Do Not Ask Me Again if I’m Going to Have Another Child!

Posted on: May 28, 2012

Last year, I wrote a piece that appeared on Harlots Sauce Radio, called “You Did Not Just Say That!” about what not to say to someone who recently experienced a miscarriage.

Since then, I have been bombarded with questions – and from people who know better – asking when #3 is coming.

When I tell them that I’m not so young anymore – I’m 42…

Then they respond with examples of 57 women who had kids at the age of 46.

Then I remind them that I lost #3 – it turned out to be a molar pregnancy, with many complications, and required chemotherapy – they still insist that I must have a 3rd child.

These people are really at the height of insensitivity.

Sad thing is that most don’t even realize it.

If you didn’t know me well, and you asked, it wouldn’t be so bad.

If you took my response and left it at that, it would be OK.

But some people just feel like they have to win, and will not give up until you say, “OK! I’m going to go for it! Thanks for showing me the light!”

I’m not a violent person, but sometimes I swear I’d like to give these people a punch too.

I’m hearing from women all over the country who are dealing with this incredible insensitivity as well.

We are not being selfish, vain or even frugal.

All I can say is, DO NOT ASK US WHEN WE WILL HAVE A(NOTHER) BABY!

First of all, it’s none of your business.

Second of all, you have no idea what that person has been through, and what kind of hurt you cause.

You might say, “Well, I didn’t know.” Or “I was just making conversation, etc.”

But seriously, this isn’t good conversation.

I’m 42.

I’d love to have another child.

I’d love to have a boy.

Don’t ask me if I want that, because I do. It’s just not in the cards.

And I have been asked more times than I can tell you.

Are my two girls not good enough? I have to have a boy to be legit?

When the molar pregnancy happened, I felt like God said, “No more kids!”

In my heart, I knew I wanted another, and as soon as it was over, I insisted I was going to try for another.

Complications set in, and it was evident that that wasn’t going to happen.

When I learned I needed chemo, I felt like God tapped me on the shoulder and said,” Excuse me. Did you not get my message? I said, no more kids!”

Well, I got the message. Loud and clear.

It’s taken me a long time to make peace with that.

Actually, I do have a 3rd child – and he IS a boy. He is an Angel Baby in Heaven. So leave me alone!

And stop with the questions!

Really, you don’t know what people have gone through.

I’ve heard from many women going through this. Let me share with you.

What about the woman who, after her molar pregnancy, her husband refused to discuss another child, and then went and got a vasectomy against her wishes?

How about the woman who has had 3 miscarriages in a row, and would give her right hand to have a healthy pregnancy?

It took a good friend of mine 4 years to get pregnant. She wanted kids more than anything, but I guess the timing wasn’t right.

Then there’s the friend who went through 4 failed attempts at Artificial Insemination, then 6 failed attempts at IVF before giving up. Do you think she doesn’t want a baby?

How about the woman whose husband is on extended deployment, or was injured in the line of duty and there is now an issue?

And the young woman who was diagnosed with cancer in her late 20s, who would love to be a mom more than life itself, but is on meds for the next couple of years?

I could keep going.

So…

DO NOT ASK A WOMAN WHY SHE DOESN’T HAVE KIDS OR DOES NOT WANT THEM.

You don’t know what’s been going on in her life.

If you want to think it fine, just don’t say it. You inflict pain on people and cause tremendous upset.

And I know that’s not your intent.

Forget the “Think before you speak.”

Just do not ask.

You might get yourself into serious trouble.

It’s not my fault if you get slugged.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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1 Response to "Do Not Ask Me Again if I’m Going to Have Another Child!"

Here’s an interesting way to reply: “Why do you ask?” The reason I say this is because I’ve never been convinced those people don’t know exactly what they’re doing.

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