From the Mommy Files…


Posted on: May 5, 2011

Yesterday was D-Day –

As in DUE DAY.

Yes, yesterday was my due date for the child that I lost.

I had been thinking about this for weeks.

Both of my girls were born a little early.

The first one at 37 weeks, 2 days; the second at 36 weeks, 4 days.

Most likely the baby would have been born already.

But yesterday was the day.

I joked with myself, reminding myself that May 4 is the birthday of an old boyfriend, and I didn’t want my child to be associated with that day.


Fat chance.

It already is.

So how does one commemorate a lost little one?

I didn’t know what the day would bring.

I planned to be busy.

I wanted to be strong, in his honor.

I did say “his.”

Back in December, when I was going through the worst side effects of the chemo, I had a dream.

A beautiful cherub with gossamer wings appeared in front of me.

Hi Mommy,” he said.

“Don’t cry. Don’t be sad. I’m here in Heaven with Jesus. I’m OK and you are going to be OK too.”

I was stunned, as this amazing creature fluttered before me.

I didn’t get to say anything.

In an instant, he was gone.

As I tried to compose myself in the dream, he re-appeared.

“By the way, I’m a boy. Don’t cry! Everything’s going to be OK.”

And he was gone. I woke up.

While driving home from chemo that day, I felt awful and was frustrated that this wasn’t ending fast enough.

I swear I saw something shimmering and white fly past me.

It was the baby angel.

I was reminded of the dream, and instantly felt better.

I’d felt in my heart that the baby was a boy and this dream confirmed it for me.

Before you call me a whacko, you should know I’ve had prophetic dreams before.

Since then, when I’ve had difficult days, I have imagined him in the arms of Jesus, smiling and waving at me.

But I digress.

I didn’t know what the day would have in store.

The night before I’d spent an hour on the phone chatting with Boo’s pregnant Godmother.

She’s due in about 4 weeks.

She’s been gracious enough to “share” her pregnancy with me.

From seeing the awesome ultrasound pictures, to hearing about kicks, doctor appointments and planning the baby’s room, I feel like I’ve been part of the whole process.

Which has meant a lot to me.

We excitedly spoke about the new arrival.

She asked some questions, and I relived the anticipation of my girls’ arrivals.

I didn’t get sad.

It was fun to talk about all that again.

And fun to talk about her impending bundle of joy.

She’s going to be an incredible mom.

I’m so happy for her and can’t wait to meet her little one.

I went to sleep just feeling good for the great conversation with my dear friend.

That morning I woke up and instantly thought of my little angel in Heaven.

I came downstairs, and lit a candle for him, and said a prayer for him by name.

Yes, his name.

I’ve officially given him a name – the name he was supposed to have.

Somehow it made me feel more connected.

It made him seem real.

Staring at the flame, I thought of my precious cherub.

To my surprise, there were no tears.

Only smiles.

My heart just felt so full.

I went about my morning routine, and then the girls woke up.

They greeted me with what seemed to be even bigger smiles, and even greater enthusiasm.

There was so much love in that room.

It was a trouble-free morning – a gift from my girls – though they have no idea.

We took Boo to school, and Bebs and I went to meet a woman from my support group.

Her due day would have been today, however she’s already expecting again.

We had a good chat.

Just like old friends.

She’s 18 weeks along, and I can’t wait to see her with a big belly.

What an exciting time!

We’re also waiting on the birth of another baby – Boo’s friend from school is going to be a big sister anytime now.

So we’re on the baby watch, and I’m finding it positively delightful.

Boo and I have been cheering on her friend, that she’s going to be a great big sister.

Also, Boo wants to have her over for a sleepover so she can teach her all about being a big sister.

That will be a hoot!

As I sat down to write, I poured a glass of wine, and toasted my angel.

He’s here –  in my heart.

This weekend we are going to begin planting our garden.

I’ve decided that I’d like to honor our little one with a tree, or some sort of perennial, that I can nurture and watch grow.

When I’m having a bad day – which I do have every once and a while– I can go out there and talk to it and just look at it.

This plant – a beautiful living, breathing creation of God – will be a live memorial.

A tribute.

This is how I will commemorate my little angel.


Be the best mom that I can be to his sisters and the best wife I can be to his daddy.

Be the best person I can be.

Help others who’ve experienced this type of loss.

And most importantly…

To love.

To live.

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BooBoo BeDoux

Bebs LaRoux


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