From the Mommy Files…

The Crib is Gone

Posted on: April 26, 2011

The Crib is gone.

Why am I so sad?

I agreed it was time to sell it.

Following the molar pregnancy, chemo, and of course, “advanced maternal age,” as they say – I’m 41 – we decided it was best to count our blessings, and not have any more kids.

We have two amazing daughters.

I always wanted three kids.

And of course, a little boy to complete the family.

Well, when the molar pregnancy happened, I thought things would clear up quickly and then we could try again.

I was practically counting the days.

Then my numbers began to rise, and I was told I needed chemotherapy.

That forced me back into reality.

I felt like God was tapping me on the shoulder, saying, “Hey! I said no more kids. Didn’t you hear Me?”

It sure was a wakeup call.

We heeded the message, and decided it was time to move to the next phase.

It didn’t make it hurt any less.

But we trust that God has another plan for us.

So we began getting rid of all the baby things.

A lot of it went to my cousin for her new baby girl.

Some went to my older daughter’s Godmother, who is awaiting the birth of her first child.

Yet other stuff went off to the Salvation Army.

There’s only a little bit left.

The last of the big stuff – crib, stroller/car seat set, swing – it all went up for sale on Craig’s List.

It didn’t go as fast as the other nursery furniture.

I took it as a sign that it wasn’t the right time.

Especially with my due date approaching.

The ad expired, and my husband renewed it.

Then, a couple of hours later, the call came.

Someone was interested in the crib.

My husband described it, and answered a few questions.

The couple was expecting a baby soon and they wanted it.

Did they want to come and see it first?

No.

They have a truck.

Could they come for it tomorrow?

Yes.

I didn’t really process that the crib was actually going to leave.

It was time.

The next morning, my husband disassembled the crib.

I heard the commotion upstairs.

I probably should have offered to help.

Something held me back.

In fact, I couldn’t leave the kitchen.

In anticipation of the couple’s arrival, he brought all the pieces downstairs and placed them in the front room.

I knew they were in there.

But I couldn’t go near the room.

Later, I went to get the mail and something made me peek in.

There it was.

You’d think there was something hideous in there, because I turned away so quickly.

Back to the kitchen, I made myself busy.

It was only 2:00 pm, but I began preparing dinner.

As the people arrived, I stood at the island, feverishly chopping vegetables.

I didn’t even go out there to say hello, add anything to the conversation.

My husband handled it.

All of a sudden, the tears began to stream down my cheeks.

This was really happening.

This is reality.

It’s real.

We’re really done.

No more kids.

I’ve made peace with it, but the reality was slapping me in the face.

We’re really done.

I cried for a good 15 minutes.

I couldn’t even go upstairs to see the void.

When we did go upstairs, I couldn’t even acknowledge the missing piece of furniture.

Days later, we haven’t even rearranged the furniture to accommodate the newly available space.

What’s the hold up?

Can’t do it yet.

Still trying to accept what’s right there.

Or not there.

My due date is approaching.

Perhaps that’s why I’m so sad.

It’s just a crib.

But moving out the crib is symbolic of us moving out of the childbearing years.

Hard to move on when the choice was not yours.

This is reality.

Yesterday, I saw an older woman pushing a stroller.

The sweetest little girl was inside.

She couldn’t have been more than 3 months old.

I thought to myself.

Someday I will be a grandmother.

And I will have some baby time once again.

Without the sleepless nights.

Though I would do it all again if I could.

And I can babysit all the new babies of my friends and family members.

I’ve already told them that Auntie Maria’s babysitting service is always open.

Come on over!

I’m keeping the pack n play for this reason.

My husband thinks I’m nuts.

But where will these little ones sleep when they visit?

Let’s fold it up and put it in the closet for now.

But it’ll be there for the little sweeties to come over anytime.

Time to move forward.

Time to embrace the future.

Time to look forward to all the new and wonderful stages my girls will go through.

THE CRIB IS GONE.

Time to go rearrange the furniture.

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4 Responses to "The Crib is Gone"

this made me really emotional and bought alot of “what if’s” to the surface for me..

i am a new mum to bowan who is 5 months old.. and i recently had a health scare and had the future flash before me… i didnt know what the outcome would be, i didnt know if i was going to be able to have more kids…

this really confused me as i hadnt even decided how many kids i wanted until i nearlly had the choice taken away..

i applaud your strength… looking foward to reading more 🙂

Lesamck – thanks for stopping by, and for your comments. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Really, you just take one day a time. Faith has helped me tremendously. I’d be lost without it. I wish you good health. Enjoy that 5 month old! — Maria

I wanna reach out and hug you. It is very emotional, letting things go. With your due date coming it is even more emotional. I think you should let yourself feel those feelings whatever they may be. It doesn’t mean you aren’t gratful for the two beautiful little girls that you have.
I still have my 7 year old stroller and car seat. I can’t seem to let it go. I used it for my daughter as well and have no use for it now. But I have emotional attatchment to it. Silly? yes.
I have been having the baby blues. Why I ask myself? I am content with the 2 I have and they are high needs children. Maybe it is because Amelia is 2 and time is going by so fast.
I remember when my hubby only wanted 1 due to how difficult it was on our marriage and Connor cried all the time. I agreed for my marriage. Connor was almost 2. It wasn’t what I really wanted, but accepted it any ways. I remember feeling a spot of emptyness in my family. When Connor was 4 1/2 we decided we wanted 1 more. I feel our family is complete. I understand that feeling of not being your choice. Maybe a child will come into your life that will need you and you will make a diffrence in that child’s life.
I thought about working with teen mom’s or shelters.
I think at 2 years the kids start being more independent and less of an infant who needs you every minute.
I am sorry for your loss and all you had to go through.
Even though I am done having kids I can relate to the feeling of loss letting things go. But your right, many more happy memories to be made with your 2 children.
Keep you in my thoughts.

Thanks Kim. One day at a time, that’s all we can do. Sometimes we just want to feel one more time, that kick in our belly, the moment you first see the baby and hold it in your arms, and doing all those firsts again. We have 2 great kids, and so many more milestones to go. I remind myself that I do have a son – my Godson. He’s a big part of my life, and I’m thankful for him too. There are good days and bad days. I will tell you that I have saved many things of the girls, from outfits I thought were super cute, to ones that they liked to wear, certain other things I’ve kept as keepsakes. They won’t be little forever. These things jog our memories and allow us to relieve those moments again. It will be fun to go through them with the girls when they are older.

I know someone who kept her son’s crib. She only had one child and just couldn’t part with it. She just became a grandmother, and her grandchild is now sleeping in that crib. How cool is that? So some things may seem like goofy attachments, but passing it down to the next generations is useful, and fun too!

Hugs to you too!

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