From the Mommy Files…

Porn Star Boobs That Can’t Be Appreciated

Posted on: February 10, 2010

NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION! hehehe

 So my milk has come in and my boobs have grown like there’s no tomorrow. I look in the mirror and think, “yeah, looking good, uh-huh!” Too bad these puppies can’t be appreciated – well, they can, but only from afar.

Any new mom, especially one who’s breastfeeding, knows what I’m talking about. Finally, I have the breasts I’ve always wanted, but don’t get too close! Don’t hug me too tight. I tell my older daughter she can’t lean on me. It hurts too much. In the first few days, even the water from the showerhead evoked some pain. Yowsa! 

So one would think this would be the time to show off some cleavage, however, low-cut shirts aren’t a good idea. It would be nice to show these babies off, but due to the work involved in milk production, my chest looks like a road map – it’s full of bright blue veins that run across my chest.

“I know it’s killing you, Honey,” I tell my hubby, who like any male, I’m sure is eager to meet these new “friends.” He’s probably thinking, “Oh yeah!” Well, gotta wait six weeks! And then, um, certain activities, can make them leak. Now that’s sexy! NOT!  So I wonder, can that scar a man for life? Ha ha

Well, it reminds me of a song from the rock ‘n roll days… ah, my misspent youth. The 80s rock band Poison had a song called, “Look But Don’t Touch.” I think perhaps I should rewrite the lyrics on behalf of nursing mommies everywhere. Hmmm…let me think… “You can look, but you can’t touch, cause formula’s not cheap, no. You can look, but you can’t touch, cause baby these aren’t for keeps!”

Speaking of leaking, I got in the bathtub, and two milky waterfalls surfaced. I started to freak out. What was going on? Yikers! Also, bra pads are now part of my wardrobe and lately I change them often. If this were a wet t-shirt contest, I’d be the hands-down winner. No spraying me down required. We must be careful when going out in public! Doesn’t matter time or place – the waterfall starts to run, and it seems, at the most inopportune times. Maybe I should buy stock in bra pads? Hmmm…How do we turn off the faucet? The other day, baby was nursing and then took a break. I felt something liquid running down my belly. I thought she’d spit up. Nope, the milk seemed to be pouring out. How do you stop this crazy thing?

Related to the leaking is its first cousin, squirting. Yes, these things squirt without provocation. Imagine the baby is nursing, and everything is great and all of a sudden she freaks out. That thing is spraying; literally, it’s squirting out milk, fast and furious. What the heck?

Modesty seems to have taken a vacation. I guess after everyone and their brother has watched you give birth; flashing a boob doesn’t seem like much. I find myself whipping it out with curtains open and in front of family and friends. What have I become?  Oh well. Free shows for everyone!

Lest I forget, let’s discuss the lovely little machine called a breast pump. Oh yeah, that lovely device, the modern-day wonder that it is, if you don’t use properly, is like Chinese torture, especially when the ‘girls’ are sore. Oh the sex appeal is oozing now (no pun intended!) as I am hooked up to this seemingly masochistic machine that’s pulling the milk out, so someone else can feed this child and I can get a break. Can you just see it? Right, like I’m sitting there holding the cups on my enormous boobs, and thinking, “I’m too sexy for this pump, to sexy for this pump, so sexy it hurts!” (And if you put the suction setting up too high, it does hurt! OUCH!) Ha ha ha. Hey, I have to make light of this to keep my spirits up, and keep my mind off everything I am missing out on while I’m on this crazy carnival ride. Wink, wink.

I heard that breastfeeding would be painful, but I didn’t know until I actually did it. It got better, and I breast fed my eldest until she was 14 months old. The nipple pain subsided quite early with number two. There’s a bright side, ladies. This will help me get my pre-preggo body back faster.

I make light of all this, but I wouldn’t change it. In a few months, my porn star boobs will look deflated, but what can you do? It’s a small sacrifice to give my kids the healthiest start possible. As I watch the pregnancy weight melt away, though I sometimes get frustrated as the weight takes its sweet time leaving me, (I think, ‘I don’t like you, why do you like me so much?’) – but it did take nine months to get this way – I remind myself, that this body was the vessel to bring two beautiful little miracles into the world. Yeah, I’m a hot mama, with my temporary porn star, leaky, veiny boobs and all. And don’t you forget it!

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2 Responses to "Porn Star Boobs That Can’t Be Appreciated"

[…] Just read a post by Maria Karamitsos of The Mommy Files…  https://fromthemommyfiles.wordpress.com/2010/02/10/porn-star-boobs-that-cant-be-appreciated-2/ […]

[…] Just read a post by Maria Karamitsos https://fromthemommyfiles.wordpress.com/2010/02/10/porn-star-boobs-that-cant-be-appreciated-2/ […]

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